Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
