Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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