apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
