3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
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Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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