I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
