He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
