i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
