Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
