Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Terrible idea I love it
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
