New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
