my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
