DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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