Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
