Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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