Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
