When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
