I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
