next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
