So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
