Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
