her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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