I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
