Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
