I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
All the doctor said was why
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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