Taylor Swift is so right about you.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
