Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??