My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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