I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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