i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
