My underwear smells like fireworks.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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