i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
