nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
