I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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