Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
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We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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