Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
