So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
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