i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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