I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
