And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
