My friends, they love my intelligence
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
