I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
