I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
He did a backflip because drugs
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
