I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
