So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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