I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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