i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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