who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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