i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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