Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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