If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
