literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
