Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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