I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
