i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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