Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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