Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
