If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
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